


Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly

by sheg0



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 17:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheg0/pseuds/sheg0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on Beth and Alison's story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly

**Author's Note:**

> I don't pretend to know what depression feels like, so if there's anything terribly inaccurate here, know that I tried.

When Beth turned up at Alison’s door, the soccer mom with a perfectly normal family, living a perfectly normal life, almost had an aneurism. Looking back, Alison is thankful for Beth’s training with panicking people; she talked to her in a soothing voice, looking her straight in the eye – eyes that looked disturbingly like hers – and radiating a calmness that had stopped Alison from running for the hills.

Alison realizes now, Beth was everything she wasn’t. She was, during those first months when her life tumbled on it’s axis, the calm to her storm, her rock, and the only logic in a senseless mess. Beth had explained everything she knew about them, which wasn’t much; but she thought they might be in danger. Beth promised to protect her and her family and up until the day she disappeared, she kept her promise.

She started coming to Alison’s house when her family wasn’t home; one time with a pink phone and asking for documents about her, and another to update her on Cosima’s – their scientist doppelganger – progress. Always with that aura of tranquillity and composure that Alison envied and was thankful for in equal parts. But soon Alison asked her to meet somewhere else; she wanted to have a normal life, or at least have her neighbours think she did, and if they ever saw Beth’s face… 

Beth accepted, of course. That’s something else Alison liked about her. She understood that the most important thing for her was appearances, it was the only thing she could control anymore. Beth might’ve thought Alison was petty or superficial, but she never said anything or looked her differently for it.

They started meeting at Beth’s place. Her boyfriend was never home and as far as Alison knew, Beth wasn’t in a very happy relationship. It was then that Alison started to notice the sadness that Beth carried around her everywhere, like a shadow clinging to every nook of her being. She masked it well, she was a cop after all. But for once in her life, apart from her family, Alison started worrying about someone other than herself. She guessed it was only appropriate that that person looked exactly like her.

 

When the news of the deaths in Europe arrived, Alison lost it. Alison’s pink phone had rung in the middle of the night and Beth had asked Alison to meet her at the docks. It was a strange place to meet, but the urgency on Beth’s voice had left no place for doubt. Alison spotted Beth’s car immediately. She stepped out of hers, wrapping her pink hoodie tight around herself. Beth stood leaning back against the car with her arms crossed, face angled away from Alison.

“Beth?” Alison asked, getting more nervous by the second.

Beth turned tired eyes towards her. She approached Alison, a hand coming to rest on her shoulder. “You should’ve grabbed a thicker jacket,” Beth said, worryingly looking over Alison’s shaking frame.

“Beth,” Alison replied firmly. She grabbed the hand from her shoulder and held it tightly. “What is it?”

Beth tightened her jaw before looking down at their hands. “Another one contacted me today.” She dropped Alison’s hand and stepped away from her, hands coming up to brush through her hair. “Katja Obinger; she’s German. She was sick, coughing blood. Cosima thinks it might be genetic. That we might all- that we might have an expiration date.”

Alison blinked, a grimace on her face. “What?”

“That’s not all. She says that… she says there were others like us, all over Europe, but someone…” Beth glanced at Alison, knowing the other woman wouldn’t take this well at all. “Someone’s been killing them – us, someone’s out after us.”

Alison put her hand up to her chest, fingers fidgeting with her cross. “What?” she repeated completely bewildered. An incredulous smile flashed on her lips. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “No, no, no, no. That’s – that’s not –“ she laughed dryly. “I’m a nobody! I’m a normal person, with a normal life! I’m perfectly healthy! I don’t even smoke, for God’s sake. And I’m most definitely not someone the effing European mafia wants to kill; that’s not me!”

“Alison, listen –“

“No, _you_ listen, Beth. I appreciate everything you’d done for me, really, but from the moment you appeared at my doorstep everything’s been –“ Alison stuck her arms out, at a loss for words. “Shit! Everything’s been shit! My life’s a mess! I don’t know who I am anymore!”

“Ali –“ Beth tried again.

“First you tell me I’m a – I’m a _clone_ , and now you tell me there’s someone out there trying to kill me? Oh and that’s if my genes don’t kill me first!” Alison’s eyes were getting watery and Beth took a step closer to her. “I have a family to worry about! I’m – I’m done. I’m done!”

Just as Alison turned away from her to leave, a muffled noise broke through the silence of the night. Alison stopped dead in her tracks, confused by what just happened. But Beth recognized it immediately, along with the smoky hole that now adorned the pavement, just where Alison had been standing seconds ago.

“Ali, get in the car,” Beth said in her best firm, cop voice. She quickly grabbed Alison’s arm and pulled her into her car, frantically looking around the whole time.

“What-“

“There was someone watching us,” Beth explained. She stayed silent for a few minutes, driving fast and looking into the rear-view mirror every two seconds. “Fuck!” She suddenly exclaimed, her hand hitting hard the steering wheel. Alison jumped in her seat, hand coming up to her throat in shock. Beth pulled up at her house and got out in a hurry. “Get out. Now.”

Alison had never heard Beth so shaken. It was almost unreal, Beth was always the calm and collected one. She got out of the car and followed Beth into her house. Beth closed the door behind her and put and arm out, stopping Alison from walking in. “Stay behind me,” she whispered. Beth pulled her gun out from the holster inside her gray coat and Alison stifled a gasp.

Beth revised the whole house, Alison following closely behind. When she was sure there wasn’t anyone there and no one had followed them, Beth took off her coat and sat on the couch, resting her gun on the table in front of her. “Fuck,” she breathed out, head dropping into her hands. “Fuck, fuck.”

Alison sat primly next to her, knees touching and back straight. She opened her mouth to talk but Beth beat her to it.

“You can’t walk away from this, Alison. I’m sorry, but you can’t.”

“What do you –“

Beth looked up at her and Alison saw her eyes were red-rimmed. “This is not something you can just look away from. Do you realize what happened tonight?”

Alison’s mouth gaped like a fish.

“Someone tried to kill you. You were almost shot.”

Alison remembered the muffled noise and Beth’s panicked face and the pieces all came together. “Oh,” she said, her face becoming really pale. “Judas Priest, that was- that was a-“

“A silenced rifle.”

“Oh God,” Alison exclaimed, feeling like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. She doubled over, putting her head between her knees. “Oh Jesus Chirst.”

“Shit, Ali.” Beth kneeled in front of her, rubbing her shoulders soothingly. “I’m so sorry, Alison. I didn’t think they’d be already in America. I never thought they’d find us so soon. It’s my fault, I was – I was reckless.”

Alison’s breathing calmed after a minute and she looked up at the other woman, scared and confused. “I could be dead,” she whispered. “Right now, I could be dead.”

Beth started shaking her head as soon as the words were out of Alison’s mouth. “I’m not gonna let that happen.” She cradled Alison’s face and looked her right in the eye. Alison’s lips trembled, holding back a sob. “I promised I’d protect you and that’s what I’m gonna do.”

Alison nodded, breaking into a sob as she couldn’t hold it back anymore. She threw herself into Beth’s arms and cried, face pressed against her neck. She cried for the normal life she always dreamed of, that was slipping through her fingers, for her kids that weren’t safe anymore, for her own life, that so easily could’ve been stolen tonight.

She cried in Beth’s arms until she fell asleep.

 

That’s when Beth realized she loved Alison.

 

They were safer from then on, aware that there was an actual threat around them. But problems didn’t stop there.

Beth had always suspected, but she’d never wanted to admit it. When she found everything Paul was hiding from her, all the documents that proved he wasn’t and had never been who he said, she couldn’t deny anymore that Paul had never loved her and had been spying on her the whole time. She could remember strange dreams in which scientists poked and prodded at her and she was starting to think those weren’t dreams. She fell back into a habit she had abandoned short after meeting Alison. Pills dulled her pain, her paranoia and helped her through those sleepless nights.  She started losing herself. There were hundreds, maybe thousands of other women like her out there, so what did it matter anyway?

Alison found her one day at her place, almost unconscious on her couch, an open bottle of pills on the table. She went into action immediately, protective instincts kicking in before her panic. She pulled Beth into the bathroom, calling out for her and gently slapping her face the whole time. Alison kneeled her in front of the toilet and stuck her fingers in her throat without thinking it twice. Beth’s gag-reflex kicked in and she dumped the contents of her stomach in the bowl.

When Alison was convinced there wasn’t anything else to throw up and when the color started coming back to Beth’s face, she sat her back against the wall of the bathroom and grabbed a towel to wet. Beth observed with glassy eyes as she wiped her face and neck with the wet cloth. She then gave her some water and Beth gulped it down gratefully. 

Alison cradled Beth’s face in her hands, thumbs rubbing at her jaw soothingly. She took a deep breath and pressed her lips into a thin line. “Don’t ever do that again,” she said trying to sound firm, but her voice came out shaky. “Don’t you dare do this to me.”

Beth nodded slowly. Alison’s forehead came to rest against hers and Beth’s hands held onto Alison’s elbows. They stayed like that for a bit.

 

That’s when Alison realized she loved Beth.

 

Beth used to do sports as a way of keeping fit and just because she liked it. Lately, she had been going on endless runs, pushing herself to the extreme, just to be able to feel something. Only when she was exhausted and sweating, knees trembling, lungs burning and heart beating wildly in her throat, she could make herself believe she could feel normal again. Alison had seen her state after one of those runs and had demanded Beth changed exercising habits at once.

“What do you suggest?” Beth had asked, arms crossed defensively.

Alison had just grinned at her.

 _Hip Hop Abs_ wasn’t exactly what Beth had in mind when she thought of exercise, but who could say no to Alison? The ever prim and proper woman had turned up at her place with pink sweats and a sports bra, waving triumphantly the Hip Hop Abs DVD in her hand. Beth had rolled her eyes, but followed her, already dressed with a pair of gray yoga pants and a white tank-top.

The exercising had started absolutely ridiculous. Beth watched Alison do the routine that she knew by heart and clumsily tried to follow. For being a perfectly capable cop and a very sporty person, she sucked at Hip Hop. Alison had laughed at her awkward moves and it had made Beth’s heart flutter in her chest. In the end, she had figured it out and after an hour, they were both sweating and Beth’s abs burned like they haven’t in a long while.

“I didn’t think that’d work,” she said as she fell on the couch, head falling back and hand coming to rest on her forehead.

“I didn’t think you’d keep up,” Alison retorted, standing between Beth’s legs with her hands on her hips. “I guess today’s just full of surprises.”

“You’re damn right,” Beth replied, looking back up with a smirk. It fell from her face though, as soon as her eyes fixed on the sight before her. Alison was all sweaty skin and flat abs and rapidly raising and falling chest. Her perfect high pony-tail was crooked and locks of brown hair were framing her face. Her sports bra was clinging to her skin and her nipples were noticeable through it.

Beth took a deep breath through her nose and straightened her back, face coming closer to Alison’s torso area. Alison’s hands dropped from her hips, unsure of what was going through Beth’s mind, whose eyes were blazing at her with a fire she’d never seen, making her skin prickle all over.

Beth grabbed Alison’s hips and pulled her into her, falling back into the couch. Alison had to hold onto the back of the couch, hands gripping the headrest around Beth’s head. Her knees hit the cushions on either sides of Beth’s legs and she stared down at her.

“Beth – “ Her words were cut short when a pair of soft hands splayed over her stomach and up towards her breasts. Alison blinked rapidly, her body sagging against Beth’s hands as they cupped her breasts, “Lord Almighty,” she breathed out.

One of those hands continued upwards, curling behind Alison’s neck and pulling her down until their faces were an inch apart. Beth massaged the flesh under her hand, thumb rubbing over the hardness trying to break through the fabric. “Oh Jesus,” Alison gasped, forehead coming to rest on Beth’s as her hips rolled down without her consent.

“Ali,” Beth moaned at the friction.

“I- I’ve never done this before,” Alison said suddenly.

“What? Sex with your clone?” Beth asked raggedly, eyes clouded with lust.

“Sex with a woman,” she clarified.

Beth smirked. “I guess today’s just full of surprises.” And then she closed the space between them, capturing Alison’s mouth in a passionate lip-lock. Her hand slipped under the sports bra and she was rewarded with breathy and needy moans against her lips. Beth immediately loved the noises Alison made during sex.

Her other hand trailed down her spine and stopped at Alison’s butt, where she slipped it inside her sweats, grabbing and squeezing and pushing Alison’s centre into hers. Her hips were rolling up, much like they had been doing during their _Hip Hop Abs_ exercising, and her abs burned.

Alison became bolder with each roll of her hips, pulling Beth’s tank-top over her head and attacking her neck. Beth moved her hand around and pushed it down the front of Alison’s pants, finding out just how aroused the other woman really was. Beth’s fingers circled and rubbed and then sank, one first, then another, deeper and deeper with every stroke, listening to Alison’s muffled cries against her neck. The woman in her arms started trembling, legs shaking and muscles contracting against her fingers and she curled them up, making Alison tumble over the edge.

Alison kept shaking over her for a few seconds before she calmed down. Beth kissed her sweaty cheek, then recaptured her mouth in a gentle kiss.

“That was – “ Alison started breathless.

“I’m not done with you,” Beth cut her off. She flipped them over, pinning Alison down into the couch. She took off her bra and her skin broke into goosebumps as Alison’s eyes scoured all over her. Beth pulled the sports bra off of Alison, mouth licking and biting and tasting every inch of skin that was exposed. She trailed down Alison’s stomach, fingers curling into her sweats and pulling them down, along with her panties. The first exhalation of air against her centre sent Alison in a frenzy. “Oh good God!” She exclaimed, one hand coming down to grab at the back of Beth’s head, while the other gripped the cushion behind her head.

It went on for a while.

 

When Alison arrived at her house and saw Donnie, she locked herself in the bathroom and cried for a good couple of hours. It wasn’t that she regretted it, nothing further from the truth. She had just felt so good, so loved, and more satisfied than any man had ever left her, but it was so wrong, on so many levels.

It didn’t stop there.

 

For the next few days Alison spend all of her time with Beth. Locked up in Beth’s room, rolling around the sheets, or back pressed against the glass of the shower door. Even with the kitchen counter cool under her thighs, Beth had made her see the stars.

And Beth seemed a little better, healthier. Less sad, less lost. And Alison let herself believe that was all it took.

But as much as she wanted it, for herself and for Alison, Beth’s depression kept pulling her deeper and deeper into a downward spiral. The only times Beth could remember what happiness felt like, was when she was with Alison. She knew Ali worried about her, she could see it written all over her face, could sense her tensing up every time Beth went to the bathroom alone. She could feel it in the way Alison clung to her every time before she left her house.

Beth’s downfall had a first and a last name: Maggie Chan. She had figured out who she was, and what it meant for them. She had detected the threat that she represented for them, _for Alison_ , this woman she had promised to protect and for whom she felt something no human language could ever explain. For days she thought about what she should do. The thought Maggie or any of the other religious freaks could get their hands on Alison haunted her at night. She started taking her pills again; abusing them even. The drowsiness, the numbness, it all came back full-force. It was around the time Paul came back from one of his trips. Everything between them was as bad as it had ever been, but it was only worsened by the fact that Beth couldn’t feel an ounce of the love she had once felt for him. He asked her about work, he knew something was up, but she closed up. He couldn’t be trusted.

But when Alison asked, she closed up too. The less she knew about Maggie Chan and about what she was planning to do, the better. Alison was worried, she knew Beth was volatile, and the woman was starting to behave like she had when she found her that day, almost unconscious. But Beth couldn’t be reached anywhere anymore. She spent her days at the station, pouring her whole being into her plan.

The day of the shooting, Beth saw she had a voice-mail. It was Alison. It just said: “I miss you, Beth. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I still need you.” Then there was a pause, a long breath and: “I love you.”

 

Beth didn’t hesitate when the barrel of her gun pointed at Maggie Chan. She had promised to protect Alison, and that’s exactly what she was doing.

 

The next days went by in a blur. Beth had shot an apparently innocent civilian and she had to defend her case. She knew what she had to say, it was part of her plan. But everything around her kept dulling down, like life was losing its colors. With each pill she took, more irrelevant everything seemed. She didn’t care anymore. She had killed someone, there was no turning back. The odds didn’t look to be in her favour. She’d be convicted. She didn’t care anymore. All this clone thing, it was over. Alison was safe, so were the others. She didn’t care anymore.

 

The stone of the ground was cold under her feet. Carefully, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks, she took off her jacket and folded it neatly. She could hear her train coming, always on time. She turned around then, convinced she’d felt Alison’s presence, but it wasn’t her. It was… well, it didn’t matter now. She would’ve liked to see Ali again, just one last time, to tell her that she had tried, that she kept her promise. That she loved her too. She took the last steps towards the edge, and for a second, she was flying.

 


End file.
